HOW TO COMPLAIN THE WILBER WINKLE WAY

1. USE ONLY WHITE STATIONERY. Other letterhead colors often look a little too cute, and recipients will likely dismiss letters written with them as whimsical and lacking substance.

2. USE 12 POINT FONT ON ALL LETTERS. Ten point fonts give an impression of weakness and uncertainty, while 14 points make you look dimwitted, as if you needed big letters to comprehend things.

3. ADDRESS YOUR INITIAL COMPLAINTS TO THE TOP BANANA OF EACH CORPORATION, not an underling. Sure, your letter will probably be passed down to the customer service representative (CSR) anyway, but at least you'll get a decent response, as most CSRs are all too anxious to show their bosses how effective they are in getting rid of you.

4. CARBON COPY PROMINENT POLITICAL FIGURES like the president of the United States. This is especially effective when writing other elected officials. But save your stamps and don't actually send out the carbon copies; the very thought that the president is plugged into your grievance should ensure a proper response by the politico handling your letter.

5. IF YOU REALLY FEEL PASSIONATE ABOUT YOUR COMPLAINT, SEND MONEY to get the CSRs stirring. Sadly, many corporations cater to fat-cats these days, and tossing a little money their way will make you look more important and worthy of their time.

6. STICK WITH GOOD, OLD FASHIONED MAIL TO REGISTER YOUR COMPLAINTS despite this age of fax machines, modems, and voice-mail. Most companies have installed automated phone menus for the express purpose of getting us to hang up and leave them alone. In fact, studies they've done show that maneuvering through their voice-mail options is likely to increase the average consumers stress levels by over 50%. Steer clear of voice mail!

7. TIME YOUR MAILINGS TO ARRIVE ON THURSDAY. Monday is "meeting day," when new techniques and strategies aimed at making consumers go away are discussed and analyzed in grueling day-long seminars. Tuesday is rushed from trying to catch up on all the complaints received, but not acted upon, on Monday. On Wednesday, they're too tired from all that running around on Tuesday. And Friday is generally reserved for horseplay and baby showers. Thursday is the only day when your letter will get the attention it so richly deserves.

8. DONT FORGET YOUR MAIL CARRIER!!! You'll need to build a rapport with him or her so your letters will get preferential treatment at the post office. Start slowly with remarks about the weather (e.g., "Looks like rain!"), followed by more intimate discussions on topics ranging from the local baseball teams pennant chances to the health of the carriers mother. (WARNING: Don't ever talk about the volume of junk mail we get. Such comments make postal carriers feel as if they are merely carrying around a sack of garbage all day.)

9. USING REGULAR MAIL IS OK, unless your attempts at bonding with the mail carrier backfire and you come to blows. If this occurs, and you therefore must eliminate the possibility of the mail carrier sabotaging your efforts, I suggest UPS or FedEx or any of the other private services. If you get into complaining in a big way, you'll gets lots of personal mail every day, and a mail carrier holding a grudge against you could mean death to your cause.

10. USE CERTIFIED MAIL only when your letter is of such importance that failure to receive a prompt response could jeopardize the health of you and your family.

11. ALLOW 30 DAYS FOR A RESPONSE TO YOUR COMPLAINT/INQUIRY. If they haven't responded by then, they are likely employing what's known in customer service as "The Silent Treatment," whereby they simply ignore your letter in the hopes that you will leave them alone. Sadly, this technique is very effective on the weak and downtrodden who aren't able to muster the energy to continue the fight.

12. If the 30 days lapse and a FOLLOW-UP is necessary, get the service reps attention by using "Lottery Headquarters" as your return address. That'll make him think he's won something.

13. RETURN ALL THE COUPONS THEY UNDOUBTEDLY WILL SEND YOU. Most coupons are secretly coded, and customer service representatives are notified when they're redeemed. If you use the coupons sent, you will forever be labeled a "coupon caper" in the customer service industry. Coupon capers are rarely given a fair shake with the issues they raise, as CSR's know they can dismiss "capers" by merely sending them more coupons.

14. BE PREPARED FOR FRUSTRATIONS. As you can tell by reading my published correspondence, I often poured my heart out to company executives, and sometimes got nothing but inappropriate form letters in return. But I didn't let that stop me. Naive I may be about a lot of things, but I also have a temper when I'm being jerked around. I make sure Corporate and Political America knows when they've "done me wrong." You should do no less!

15. IF YOU GET VERY SPECIFIC RESPONSES TO YOUR LETTERS, SEND A SIMPLE "THANK YOU" to CSRs who sent them. You may even consider inviting them over for coffee if they are local. Building good relationships with CSRs is very important.

16. ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION TO THE THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU. Then turn on your computer and give the people bringing stress to your life a piece of your mind immediately. Believe me, it works a lot better than everything else I've tried, especially "rope-a-dope" and verbal fatalism.

17. BE PERSISTENT. Writing letters of complaint is the best way to correct the problems you experience with products and services. Its also highly effective for hauling in important company and product information. Often, though, you'll have to correspond more than once to get a satisfactory response. CSRs respect consumers who show commitment to their cause, and what better way to demonstrate that than repeated mailings to the same individual?

Follow all my tips, and get ready to sleep better at night. Like me, you'll no longer be tormented by the riddles and ravages of everyday consumer life.

And get ready, too, to brag a little about your successes. I frequently dispense pearls of wisdom during conversational lulls on the cocktail circuit, where my unparalleled information base has made me the proverbial hit of the party. Fellow party-goers are in such awe of my knowledge that they often ask me, "Are you for real, Wilber?"

So get into the letter writing spirit and head with me to the consumer barricades. We may not be able to change the world. But we can stand up to the companies that take away our favorite candy bar's nuts.

 Very truly yours,

 Wilber Winkle